fill the emptiness
with your breath.

expanding -
through the silence
to pause …
between two parenthesis

our intimacy
is never awkward.

the question is madness
a prevalence for the sadness
and in the wake of livid dreams
flashbacks become a strobe illusion.

through my hallucinations
I encounter a false reality
detached from the insanity
security is a delusion.

the shadows bunch at the seams
encroaching in on the peripherals 
of my sightless imagination
taunting with faceless entities.

I'm chest deep in the weeds
struggling for comprehension,
battling with a dulled scythe
against the oppression of my fears

these tears sear the inside 
of my eyelids turning them to ash
in the obscenities falling 
from my swollen tongue

I'm choked on the smoke
of the hell fire I'm surely  damned
to, with each staggered breath
I'm inhaling the burning flesh

of all the dead bodies 
freed from the skeletons collecting
in my closet; toss them, and they rattle
watch their macabre bone dance.

I can't take the chance
that I'll be found out
caught with the evidence
of my recessed memories

if you knew the real me
could you look me in the eyes
and say you are in love
no, that's a control I won't let go

I'm alone I hold my own
against the falling blackness
that threatens to crush me
only to drown in these obsidian seas

there is no remedy for memories
chasing these shadows
every time I close my eyes

I see you standing there
waiting for me on the other side
no release I seek you in my dreams

there’s no way I can deny
I can’t stand you leaving me
every time I wake up

double speak 
with taxing tongues;
politics
is a den
for con artists

who argue the semantics
of plausible deniability
conceived of half truths
and blatant omissions.

can we really trust
a politician’s word?

I

my baby brother;
screaming banshee
infant being flung
across the room.

daddy,
"if you don’t' shut him up
I will!"

II

sitting in daddy's car,
"why would you tell lies
like that about me."

I'm struck dumb by confused tears:
a small insignificant pebble
crushed
between two mountains.

III

my step mom said to me
"your mom filled you full of lies
your dad would never do that"

thrown away by my mother
orphaned left on the doorstep
of my abusive father.

IV

these are my family memories
flashbacks that scream
through lucid dreams

chasing shadows around my mind
I'm so lost it's hard to find
what belongs in me and what I've allowed
myself to become

chasing shadows in the dark;
each one slithers, leaping into my thoughts
scurrying to the corners of my mind.

they whisper taunting words:
seductive and alluring,
filling me with a hopeless dread.

throwing out accusations,
torturing me slowly.
all I hear are the voices in my head.

shadows tearing me down,
piece by piece, from inside of me.
insidious creatures feeding off my fears.

stars and moon
iridescent; fade
to black at dawn

chasing shadows around my mind
I’m so lost it’s hard to find
what belongs in me and what I’ve allowed
myself To become

trying to hold to water
as it slips through my hands
frantically grasping at the thin strands
that flow through my fingers like sand

and all the while I’m trapped
in this love, unable to move forward
but come to far to go back
afraid of being alone

but unable to find comfort in another man
so I sit, chasing these shadows
around my mind sweeping the corners
trying to find the answers to my problems

i Fire (red spirit)

Asgin(a) Gigae

called from the east
fire warms our spirit
bringing forth life

fire is the path of the warrior;
and in death
he travels the red road
home to the spirit world

ii Air (blue spirit)

Asgin(a) Sagonige

called from the north
air teaches us humility
so that we might have wisdom

brother wind becomes the tempest
that we must surrender to
when storms defeat
we are humbled before Mother Nature

iii Water (black spirit)

Asgin(a) Gvnige

called from the west
water changes all;
cutting a path through the valley,
eroding great rocks to tiny pebbles

Grandmother ancestor teaches
her children the lessons of water.
showing the fleeting nature of life;
death comes to all, as nothing
lasts forever.

iv Earth (white spirit)

Asgin(a) Unega

called from the south
Mother Earth heals
her sick children

Earth is sustained in a delicate
balance of harmony
we must care for her and tread lightly
leaving shallow footprints
for future generations

the old ways
are rediscovered

    - each generation -

takes down
and dusts them off
every year

held against the wall
outside the bar
pushing my skirt up

your rough hands move
over my hips
and between my thighs

pressed together
your hard body moves me

the slow glide of your mouth
as it trails up my neck
the wetness of your tongue
as it teases

you lick your lips
and whisper my name.

overwhelmed
out here without care

maybe I’m crazy
probably

but you gotta understand
I was going insane
since the day I turned three

who do you think you are
bless your soul
you think you know

maybe you’re crazy
but that’s okay,
we’ll be crazy together

cathartic time-released
encapsulated thoughts

droopy eyed resuscitations
tears drown internal screams
dream schemes
react to chemical induced reverie

my pleas silence in the 
white out blizzard
unleashed in my head

dopamine receptors
clogged in serotonin utopia
We were the wild ones

neurons reminisced nostalgically
now just repressed 
in this lethargy of psychotrophy

critical mass, alert, alert
system meltdown 
is in progress

I'm spiraling, falling
endlessly
like Alice

only I won't slow down
before I hit the ground

dead on impact
but the hit never comes
suspended in limbo

purgatory: never moving
forward or backward

                                   Just hanging

'failure, failure'
taunting whispers
staring in through the bars

'failure, failure'
"you're nothing but a failure"
they croon

locking me down
tying my hands

fighting against 
The voices in my head

who's winning, I don't know
I'm crashing, crashing
'failure, failure'